by Otis Fell Agnew
There was once a young man named Henry Sanks. He was both handsome and confident. He had blond hair and eyes as green as grass, and he often wore a blue jacket.
Let’s take a look at his story.
When Henry was a baby, his first words were spoken after hitting his head on his parents’ dining table and the words were “Stupid table”.
From then on, ‘stupid’ was Henry’s favourite word. That of course, even alone, tells you that he wasn’t the nicest person you could ever meet. For example, he bullied, and if he couldn’t understand something in school or didn’t like something that the teacher did, he would either say, “Stupid dupid Ms Harco” or “Stupid lupid school”.
His parents were not exactly helping either. They thought that if they gave him everything, and I mean everything, he wanted as a child then he would end up as a wonderful adult. So they did just that. For example, he might complain about his BMX being red and his parents would buy him a blue one.
*
Okay reader, this is the main part of the story. This part of the story takes place when Henry is twenty-five years old. Henry has finally squeezed through to the other side of the thin tunnel in the ancient Mexican temple, and he sees the necklace of Nuthethsay.
The necklace consists of a pure gold chain with a gem holder thing and a red ruby as bright as the sun in the centre.
Henry mutters to himself, “Stupid ancient dudes making me go to all this effort just for an ancient relic.”
Henry walks forward to snatch the necklace from where it has laid for ten thousand years, and then he notices some ancient Mexican writing on the roof of the temple. It says:
Ø®½π╓∂¤
Henry whips out his translating book. He turns to page 645 and uses it to translate the writing to “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, pesky thief”.
Henry mutters to himself, “Stupid ancient inscriptions,” as he lunges forwards, but the moment the first tiny piece of his skin touches the necklaces … ZAP.
Henry is tossed back onto the ground. He thinks he has surely been electrocuted to death. Stupid electricity. Stupid necklace, he thinks. But then he notices that he is fine. But then he hears a strange noise. This noise is beep, beep, boop, beep, beep, beep, boop.
And then he is covered in a yellow ball of energy, which appears over his head and drops onto him. When it is gone, he is nothing but a dust mite with eight tiny legs and an unimaginably small body, but a great urge to suck someone’s blood and annoy them from under their beds.
And then a large new piece of stone comes out from under the floor, which reads on it:
█₧♣
Henry still remembers enough from the last look at his translating book to know that this translates to: “Now you have two hours to touch the necklace again. Good luck, mate.”
*
Henry spends the next two hours trying to touch the necklace again. The only problem is that it turns out that Henry is wrong about his theory about dust mites being small spiders able to climb up the wall.
So, he tries all kinds of stuff like dust mite sized climbing suction cup gloves that he borrows from a super-secret agent flea nearby.
The gloves don’t work, as it turns out from the flea’s latest adventure that the gloves are covered in alien flea slime.
Then Henry finds two ant colonies that are at war, and he secretly sneaks one of their fire berry catapults out for him to fire himself up the wall, but it turns out that the catapult is clogged with alien ant slime.
Henry suddenly finds some other ancient writing that has popped up at the back of the temple. It says:
Ő▓▫☼◙⅞
He still remembers enough from his last look at his translation book to know that it says, “Or I suppose an easier way to reverse the enchantment would probably be to just hum this—mmmm mmmm mmma.”
So, poor Henry, desperate because he is at the point of thirty seconds away from two hours, quickly hums what it says to hum, and suddenly he grows and grows and grows and grows back into human Henry.
*
Henry certainly learnt his lesson about greed and thinking things were stupid, and from then on, he got married, had eight children, bought a beach cabana, and ate tuna on the 15th of May 2065. And everyone that he knew, including him, lived happily ever after.
Apart from that dream he had about a zombie apocalypse really happening.
